advice

Need Answers to Stoopid Questions? – Ask Maggie Here

Dear Maggie, it seems like you really live a life of glamour. How do you do it?
There is a secret formula I use. People should really pay me for this but I will divulge anyhow. Its one part genetics, two parts surgical, add some rubber chicken and some Parmesan cheese, stir to a boil, let it simmer on low heat for about 7 minutes, drain, return it to the stove while sprinkling in some latina finger clippings, serve chilled. Its just that easy.

Dear Maggie, who is the person you would most like to meet that you haven’t yet met?

Amy Sedaris. Rabbit Rabbit. I think Amy is the funniest person in the world living today. Amy will you marry me? Did you ever see Strangers with Candy? It is, by far, my favorite TV show ever, and when I say ever, I mean of all time! Besides she likes baking and freaks. She is also a good listener. Rounding out my top three TV shows would be Da Ali G Show and the Reno 911, although lately I have really been enjoying Family Plots on A&E. Amy and I have officially interacted here.

Dear Maggie, How did you get to be the Public Address Announcer for the Saint Paul Saints? It seems like you really don’t know that much about baseball.
I don’t know and, you’re right

Why do birds sing so gay?
Um cuz they are.

Dear Maggie, I’ve been dating this guy for several months now and he seems to have a weird attraction to my mother. He makes comments like “wow, your mom is STACKED” Should this bother me? What would Maggie do? – Daughter Dearest
Maggie – ” What would I do? Well I sure as hell wouldn’t be dating that guy… because I like chicks.”

Dear Maggie, I am scared of pickles. They smell funny. What Would Maggie Do? – Plluuughh on Pickles
Maggie – “What would I do? I hate pickles. They do smell bad. People who eat them liked Hitler. You are one step closer than everyone else to being like me. One good “pickle hint” I can give you as well…if you have a dog who likes to chew furniture, pour the unwanted pickles on the furniture and I GUARANTEE the dog wont chew the furniture anymore.”

Dear Maggie, How do I get to be funny like you? What Would Maggie do?- Unfunny in New Mexico
Maggie – “Practice, Practice, Practice. It takes a lot of practice to be funny like me. Try this simple exercise. Kick random people in their groin area. HARD. Cuz that is HILARIOUS to me and it wont be funny to them. This is as realistic to standup comedy as you can get without going on the stage.”

Dear Maggie: I love my boyfriend, “Joe,” with all my heart; however, we have a communication problem. Sometimes I feel he is dodging me or doesn’t want to talk to me. Joe thinks our conversations always lead to an argument, so he tries to avoid talking.

Joe recently moved six hours away, making it even harder to talk. I understand he may be excited about living in a new town, but I feel I deserve a little more respect than I’m getting. I’d like to talk to Joe about this, but every time I call him he ignores my questions and practically hangs up on me.

Maggie, how can I improve our communication? — ALONE BY THE TELEPHONE
Maggie- “um, yeah, well open your eyes! Joe is screwing someone else and is too lazy to tell you to get lost. Go find some self esteem. I know that part will be the hardest. Then get yourself a nice BIG vibrator and shout your own name. No one is gonna love you until you love yourself. I think I just saw Joe on Springer. Does he wear a wife beater, mullett, and parachute pants? On second thought Joe is HOT. Beg for mercy if you still can!

Dear Maggie, Can I get your autograph?
No

Dear maggie: I am planning to be married. This will be my third trip to the altar. My question: Would it be proper for me to wear white? If not, what would maggie do? — BETTY IN CLINTON TOWNSHIP, MICH.
Maggie – “I would not wear a dress at all. I have always wanted to have a naked wedding. Put it on the invite that you MUST be naked. That way if even ONE person shows up naked everyone can laugh and point. Send me some pictures and I will post them on my site.”

THANKS BETTY!!!

Dear Maggie, Do you think that I could get your autograph?
Yes

Maggie: I think I am a lesbian. How do I know for sure? –confused in Chicago
Maggie – “Chances are you probably are. If you are cute, call me and we can discuss it further.”