Think of a face as a bowling ball with a widows peak.
To walk like a robot, just remove your ankles.
If this tweet went out once a year for a hundred years I would say, “I’m probably dead now.”
I flew over the koo koo’s nest and pooped on some baby kookoo birds.
Attics get warm. Probably because they are closer to the sun. The same reason basements are cold.
Morgan Freeman has issues. Is he friends with Woody Allen?
Hey, I got some new shoes on … And they hurt my fucking feet!
It takes as many syllables to say WWW as it does to say, the same god-damned beginning address.
I have a few lobes if you need to borrow one.
Silly rabbit, jokes are for squirrels.
I don’t drive a limo. My dog does.
Sun chips, white wine spritzers, and boating. What a lovely Sunday! Wait, that’s not my life. I’m off to sling coffee at borderline retards
Is dating a borderline retarded person illegal?
My dog chews everything! Even tobacco.
An unlawful mosquito bit me.
Autobots and Decepticons all mean the same thing, you’re a loser.
Just because I carry my tea around in a clear bottle doesn’t mean I am drinking urine grandpa. But thanks for asking.
I am exchanging the gay pride parade for sleep. Does that make me a bad queer?
Your nub is dirty.
If I had balls, I woulda just sweated them off.
I’m going to start wearing an eye-patch and never address it.
We don’t eat dogs!!!
My dog just shit sand.
My bowels smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls.
I split the sheet, the sheet I shit.
How many more condescending gossip wrangling homos do we need?
I’m slashing prices on previously slashed tires!
Anyone need any documents shredded? I have a puppy. Nuff said.
Double blended means double shit in your pants later.
I’ll tell you the difference between rap and rape. It’s the letter e.
We know the muffin man, cake baker, and street treat cooker.
No, crooked nostrils do not equal crooked boogers.
Dog park is a place where dogs learn to parallel park their limos.
Anyone know of a motorcycle I can foster? I’ll take care of it. Exercise it, bathe it. Hopefully it would find a forever home by fall?
Got my clock cleaned. Grandfather style.
Rise and shine baby birds! And by that I mean good morning dickheads!
Out there kickin’ it on the dance floor! And by that I mean almost alseep in my bed. Nighty night baby birds.
If anyone found a giant sack of money, its mine. Please return. No reward.
Only 170 days until its 170 days from now!!!
My face popped off. Oops.
black thumb, rock garden…
Skin tag. You’re it!
Lick someones eyeball today!
The training wheels are coming off the hanglider today!!!
Pull my finger, no seriously, do it. It popped out of its socket.
Summer can start. It’s official. I finally shaved my other leg.
Posted by extreme maggie 
