My favorite tweets.
If I don’t find my fake moustache by midnight, I might not ever need it again.
If there’s one thing I hate, its people who hate things.
I thought only kids get sore throats. Don’t come to starbucks unless you want our new strep-throat latte.
I’m proud of you Minnesota state fair. I didn’t see one looney tunes shirt. Of course I didn’t go to the midway but still.
Kids on leashes are funny. Are they kids or are they dogs. I growl at em no matter what.
Fat policeman on a horse. Horse looks pissed.
Corn on the cob should come with free dental floss. Or be sponsered by a dentist.
Getting bog fat bacon. If cannibalism ever comes into style I wanna taste good!
Space needle isn’t phalic. It looks like a really long areola.
If Santa stole my wallet again, I’m gonna be so pissed.
what rhymes with smoop?
Goddam you 4 AM joy rides. You sure catch up with me later.
I wanna dance dirty. Oh wait.
I cut a penny into one thousand pieces and that’s the prize.
rewrite, the first person who can tell me how long ago i posted about a sore throat, wins a prize! prize has 1/10000 of 1 cent value.
My lord I’m pooped!
Turns out I’m a pajama hipocrite.
Today flew by. Mostly because I rocked out with my clock out. I usually tuck my clock inside my pants. But NOT TODAY wooooo!!!
Starting a new blog about people who wear pajamas in the daytime in public. Beware! Were callin you OuT SLEEPYHEADS!
My fifteen minute break felt like seven seconds. I want a watch that runs on break times.
I’m so tired I could eat a horse.
My dog just Dutch-ovened me.
just went through about 600 emails. 598 too many..
oooh the web. I love you AND I hate you. If we cancel that out, the web is OK.
My dogs farts smell like dead brain matter.
My money’s all tied up in ho’s.
trying to give my dog some shock therapy with a AAA battery and some steel wool. OK I’m lying. It’s for me and its not working.
helicopters are just really heavy pinwheels.
Twitter me this grassholes.
You’re either all in or you’re not all in.
I’m not borat
There was a raccoon on my porch last night. No that’s not a euphemism.
I was so hot yesterday I cut my hair off. Now its cold out.
Had bandwagon soup for breakfast.
Fasting until 2:00PM. Now I know what starving children feel like.
If you put your lipstick on AROUND your lips, they don’t look more full, or plump. You look drunk.
Who wants to go swimming? I have blood pooling in my vericose vein.
Inventing a kids show called napps napperson. Catch phrase- “C’mon kids, let’s NAP!”
Tweenagers. Twidivers. Tweehuggers. Twatctors. Especially the obgyn ones.
Tweeting truck drivers are called twuckdrivers.
Don’t sass me missy, or I’ll wash your mouth out with a used cigar.
My eyes look like I slept forty winks. Wait, is that long? How can I get any sleep if I’m busy winking at people?
My money’s all tied up in ho’s.
trying to give my dog some shock therapy with a AAA battery and some steel wool. OK I’m lying. It’s for me and its not working.
helicopters are just really heavy pinwheels.
Sunburnt, and so’s the dog.
Killing time will not solve all your problems. But mayor McCheese will.
Don’t eat your blackberry, unless you blackberry is a berry.
Don’t ever walk across a bed of nails. Your feet go right through. Especially if you’re overweight.
Still wearing torn pants as I fear this will be my last night with them.
Red-rover red-rover, send syphilis right over!
Anyone catch dancing with the straws last night?
Anyone around tonight with an extra hand? No seriously. I’m looking for someone with three hands.
Sick and in bed. Will only self-promote as much as Iphone allows. Half battery life.
I’m in jail. Yeah. Grammer police put me there because of all my offensive misspellings. I wish someone would bell me oot.
Porcupines and not very friendly towards pigs. Pigs are afraid to be sqewered. I like sqewered pigs. Probably.
I think the qwest service man left some DNA behind.
Sure cash for clunkers is a good idea, but I’m holding out for the buy one get one free sale.
I crossed the line, someones line, but my line is way way way up the road. I can’t even see it yet. Guess we have different lines.
Expect less. Pay more. I know I do.
Insert your own joke here.
The quick aren’t they only ones who are fast!
Don’t eat your blackberry, unless you blackberry is a berry.
So excited for vacation I can’t sleep. What is this, Christmas eve and I’m five?
Couldn’t have had more fun at the m’haha falls with the ol MA girls!!!
I wonder if wondering makes one forgetful?
I just saw Brock lesnar drive by in a Mazda miata.
Hippos and hobos are two different things. Although together, they make hip-hop.
Think of a face as a bowling ball with a widows peak.
To walk like a robot, just remove your ankles.
If this tweet went out once a year for a hundred years I would say, “I’m probably dead now.”
I flew over the koo koo’s nest and pooped on some baby kookoo birds.
Attics get warm. Probably because they are closer to the sun. The same reason basements are cold.
Morgan Freeman has issues. Is he friends with Woody Allen?
Hey, I got some new shoes on … And they hurt my fucking feet!
It takes as many syllables to say WWW as it does to say, the same god-damned beginning address.
I have a few lobes if you need to borrow one.
Silly rabbit, jokes are for squirrels.
I don’t drive a limo. My dog does.
Sun chips, white wine spritzers, and boating. What a lovely Sunday! Wait, that’s not my life. I’m off to sling coffee at borderline retards
Is dating a borderline retarded person illegal?
My dog chews everything! Even tobacco.
An unlawful mosquito bit me.
Autobots and Decepticons all mean the same thing, you’re a loser.
Just because I carry my tea around in a clear bottle doesn’t mean I am drinking urine grandpa. But thanks for asking.
I am exchanging the gay pride parade for sleep. Does that make me a bad queer?
Your nub is dirty.
If I had balls, I woulda just sweated them off.
I’m going to start wearing an eye-patch and never address it.
We don’t eat dogs!!!
My dog just shit sand.
My bowels smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls.
I split the sheet, the sheet I shit.
How many more condescending gossip wrangling homos do we need?
I’m slashing prices on previously slashed tires!
Anyone need any documents shredded? I have a puppy. Nuff said.
Double blended means double shit in your pants later.
I’ll tell you the difference between rap and rape. It’s the letter e.
We know the muffin man, cake baker, and street treat cooker.
No, crooked nostrils do not equal crooked boogers.
Dog park is a place where dogs learn to parallel park their limos.
Anyone know of a motorcycle I can foster? I’ll take care of it. Exercise it, bathe it. Hopefully it would find a forever home by fall?
Got my clock cleaned. Grandfather style.
Rise and shine baby birds! And by that I mean good morning dickheads!
Out there kickin’ it on the dance floor! And by that I mean almost alseep in my bed. Nighty night baby birds.
If anyone found a giant sack of money, its mine. Please return. No reward.
Only 170 days until its 170 days from now!!!
My face popped off. Oops.
black thumb, rock garden…
Skin tag. You’re it!
Lick someones eyeball today!
The training wheels are coming off the hanglider today!!!
Pull my finger, no seriously, do it. It popped out of its socket.
Summer can start. It’s official. I finally shaved my other leg.
